Showing posts with label pondering over. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pondering over. Show all posts

Saturday, 18 February 2017

"I want to do something that defines me."

"Mayra, you should do Multimedia for your master study."
"But Nana, I don't want to !"
"But you're so good at it."
"But I don't want to."
"Whatever . I'm just suggesting."
Those two continued to lay out their arguments and reasonings and I just kept on driving, heading home after our late dinner. Future plan. Sounds easy but can be life changing. I'm also not sure of what I really wanna do. 

"Lucky you, Mayra. At least, you're good at something and here I am, still don't know what I'm capable of," Nana let out a long held sigh and gazed out of the window. The sky was pitch black despite of the humid weather. The sight of the stars was barely visible from down here and the moon shone with a pallid slice of light, most of it covered by the clouds.
She slouched back in her seat as she continued, "I wish I don't have to do something I don't like ... but the thing is, I don't know what I like !" So, that's what had been tormenting her mind since dinner. 
The car decelerated as the traffic lights in front of us turned red and we queued behind other cars. I slowly shifted the gear stick to Neutral and replied, "There are a lot of things you can do,,,"
"Yeah, Nana. You write sooo well. I will buy your book if you write one !" Mayra chimed in from the back seats. That was undeniably true. Nana can write, she has passion for it. Her language is eloquent, her choice of words is unquestionable and her perspective is always refreshing although sometimes can trigger the minds of the norm; still, I find her notions to my liking. 
I listed down the jobs which demand for good writers/authors and she just shook her head, rejecting the idea of being a writer. Doesn't define herself enough, she said. 
I can understand that. We always want to do something that represents us. Of course, we can always follow the route that people pointed us to but by the end of the day, happiness comes from being satisfied of what we really are, of what defines us. 

"Look at Vivy. She studied law, struggled and all but in the end, she ventured into fashion and she LOVES what she's doing. Dina, for example, she's a dropout but then, she began designing her own lines and jewellery. And now, she's acknowledged as one of the muslim fashion icons in UK. I mean, those people knew what they want.

My lips curled into a smile. I have not known this girl for a year or two. I have lived with her the longest, after my family. She always worries about silly things, about uncertainty, of the oblivion and obscurity. "How about something related to directing ?" and my suggestion was replied with a frown. "I have seen you as a director. Twice. I have worked with you and I know how great you can be. And passion ? You have the drive. Once you set your mind on how you want the play to be, you will set it right. You will make sure it come out as what you have in your head."  She let out another sigh , followed by a sluggish "I don't knoooow..." and Mayra butt in again with , "Yeah Nana. I can help you with anything I can !
I continued, "You know what makes those people successful ? It's the people behind them, who has been supporting them through their ups and downs. Vivy has Fadza. They build the empire together. And Dina has Sid, supporting her from the very beginning with the shootings and all."
"So sekarang you nak I cari jantan lah ?"  she replied, forcibly laughing in her cracked voice. Nana's about to cry. I could sense she was. 
"Not what I was trying to say but boleh lah. Haha. Noo. What I was saying is, just know that you have us. We will support you. I will help you with all my might and Mayra will help you with all her might. You have your own version of Fadza and Sid. Just know that. You can rely on us."  

The cars in front of began to move and I hit the gear again, making a turn to our destination. The discussion lasted for another good hour as the night went by and the rest is history, shared with the night and the invisible stars.
One day, we might forget this tete-a-tete we had  but one thing for sure,
I will remember,
we once had a dream.
A dream to become someone that brings out the definition of who we really are.
A dream, undecided but big enough, that we need one another to rely on...





I rarely keep our silly conversation in my blog but this one, I really have to. Blog has been my time capsule for years. If I turn 30 and reread this, still looking for the meaning of life, I wish I am happy with what I'm doing :) Hi future Anis, I hope you're doing just fine. And if you're not, know that this life is not ultimate. What matters the most is the afterlife. 
May you have Allah's blessings in what you're pursuing. 
'Jangan sampai terlalu sibuk mengejar dunia sampai lupa tujuan di akhirat sana.' :) 

post signature

Tuesday, 3 January 2017

Hormones talking #timeofthemonth

Was browsing my second Instagram just now and I feel like I still have A LOT to improvise. Man, still a long way to go. And I miss my brushes so much. Went home during study week last two weeks and I left my watercolour back in Kelantan. Really.need.it.rigt.now.


They're like pills to me. The only things which can avoid me from over thinking :(

I'm not even good at drawing but it's my form of dissociation (well, other than shopping and of course, going out is not a choice these days. With exam and all), so I can't help it.


I just realized that I'm not a strong woman, really. I rely on a lot of things. My laptop, my phone, my watercolour, my brushes, my sewing machine and my oven. *Wish I have punching bags too, just to add into the list haha* . No wonder I feel so complete whenever I'm home. Also, I have my parents. The ultimate pillar of strength.



Anyway, last night, we're talking about how old we have become. Nana and I, we would always discuss on what we see in the next few years and what to achieve every single new year . We have lived together for almost three years now and I can still remember the way she cried when we first turned 20. Hahaha. So much to take in. So many turning points ! And the pressure from the society is so real. No joke.

I know I said I wanna do this and that , don't wanna do this and that by this particular age and yet, if people are giving you the 'so, when are you gonna get married?' look or  'so, secured any job yet?' look, how are we going to live our life.

"No need to compare yourself with others."

Exactly what I'm trying to do. But can others walk the talk too ?

"Life is not a race."

Couldn't agree more. Everyone has their own pace. But can others walk the talk too ?

Despite of these questions revolving around us, foreshadowing with an inkling of 'what is correct' , I couldn't be more blessed with what I have today. I know I didn't get what I had planned years ago back in school but hey,

what is perfections anyway but a set of letters strung together to make a word ? 

I'm starting to realize that I should be my own definition of perfect. 
I know what I've been through and only I can judge my achievements.
I have my limitations, yes. I have my flaws, yes. But I have my own assets too. So yeah. I know where to work on, and patching up flaws takes time.
And beeing said that, my value is not validated by the people :) I do appreciate the concern, to be honest but sometimes, they make me scared.
Do I really have to rush in ? Am I doing it wrong ?

But,
Dr. Agnes always tells us , "I am fifty years old and I'm still shaping my identity. It's a lifelong process."

Thank you Dr.
That changed my perspectives.



post signature

Saturday, 7 March 2015

kita bukan tong sampah

We were on our way back from Tesco . 
My hands were occupied with plastic bags and so did Nana's and Allia's. 
Other than the plastic bags, I was also carrying a blue small trash can...


As we were about to climb the stairs , I placed the can on my head, while humming ; hands still struggling with Tesco's white plastic bags and feet marching on each steps carefully.


"You bagi harapan cerah kat tong sampah tu.
Nana suddenly said and I halted, my eyes running towards her. 
Her eyes were fixated on the blue can on my head, as if she was amazed by the 'fact' the she just blurted out. 
She was serious. Deadly serious.

"O....kaaaay." I replied, eyebrows etched, eyes still on her ; trying not to blink as the sweats trickled down the lids. 
"Harapan apa pulak ni ?" while continuing to climb the seemingly endless stairs.


"Ye la. Tong sampah tu dari lahir lagi dah tau yang dia akan jadi tong sampah.  But now, you letak atas kepala you. Dia tahu yang hidup dia akan berubah. " the words came out from her mouth eloquently. 
If she's not talking about the can and about her future instead, maybe I would have grabbed her and sit to listen more. But now ...

"You tengah nak plan tulis karangan autobiografi ke ni ? Aku sebuah tong sampah . Suatu hari, aku dibeli tuan Anis. Dia memberi sinar baru buat aku. Aku tau aku bukan lagi tong sampah yang biasa... lol."

I tried to make a joke out of the solemn tete-a-tete. Ha ha ha. Hambar .

"No. Betul la. It has no choice, sebab keluar je , fate dia memang jadi tong sampah. Dia dah takda choice lain dah."

"Ok nanti kita letak aiskrim dalam ni , ganti aiskrim pasu okay ? And kita beli benda lain buat letak sampah. 
Kita ubah fate & future diorang. Okay ? "







That was last week and our conversation was still vivid like a brand new blu-ray disk as I replayed it in my brain just now.




True. 

We are humans. We are born with choices. 
We are not tong sampah. Which meant to be tong sampah till the end of our lives.


I chose to be who I am now , and I got the treatment I deserve.
But if I chose to be 'tong sampah' , people won't stop throwing away scraps at me. 
Because I'm a 'tong sampah'.


But no,
I am a person , and I have choices.



*for those who has been complaining about being jeered at . 
Wake up and make your choice :)
You have the rights. 
Don't waste it.




post signature

Sunday, 4 January 2015

Embracing into twenties life

We were busy preparing notes for PGA102 but Nana was very busy taking personality test and talked us into it. Haha. She was like, 

"TRY THIS ! I WANNA SEE YOUR RESULT !!! " 

with her big round eyes and continued with a smirk curled up on her face, 
"Though I can predict your category already."







And, her prediction was right. Am I that transparent ?! -_-





Trust me , it went viral for almost a week . Almost all of our classmates tried it and I forced coaxed my friends into it too :) And since we have to study about human psychology and how to handle your students and all, we actually have the syllabus about this personality preference. The personality traits are interesting to learn but not the history of it and the important figures behind it. Pffffft.


And my result is INTJ -_- that test it creepy tho, turned out it is 90% true. And INTJ is mostly found in the villain character of movies. The closest example, Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter . Hahaha. Don't even ask me how I can dig that far. It's all Nana's . And the gist in the 'career path' said that I should work as an analyst. I knew it ! I always enjoy doing things and making progress. Duhhh . Hahaha. okay jk. That's not true. But well, I love working only if I have an outgoing team but committed. *Geez, I sound like a geek now. Lol


*smirk*


And, as expected ....




Now I understand why I would always avoid myself into one *claps* . 
Mom, you have raised me well. 
Haha . But living in this community full of gossipmongers (especially when you have nosy family and neighbours) , it somehow scares me. But meh . Who cares. 




So I read through the whole summary of my personality result and sometimes giggled with Nana. After figuring things out between us (Nana and me only probably . Allia was too busy with her games) , worrying about having to embark into twenties phase and throwing out a bit ; we finally decided to just embrace things YOLOly but not too YOLO because your next phase depends on this phase. God, who would have thought PGA102 has taught us a lot of things about being a human.



You should have seen our pale face.






"WE ARE TWENTY NOW ! Within ten years, there will be countless turning points in our life and we are the one who have to decide things ! Oh ma Lord..."


"Graduate, working, stabilize your finance, buying cars, getting married, having kids. How to squeeze all those things into ten years time. Sounds too short to me."


And Nana texted her dad, asking about what should we do. We were worrying sick with cold hands and all, hoping that he will give us the link to 'life guide' or 'tool kits for life'. In case, we can prepare ourselves and shout 
"Shame on you, life!"


But...


"Go study for your next paper ! Think about graduating first !" yeah ...typical dad. Hahaha. But he was right. Things will come eventually and the only thing left is to embrace them and rejuvenate :)

Even Ellis(1973) did say, teenagers tend to create beliefs that would only trouble them.

Guess we are still not growing up. Still trapped in our teenage brains , we're thinking about what to do in the next ten years. -_- We haven't even finish our first semester yet. Duhhh . Calm your tits, lads.
post signature